Saturday, December 09, 2006

Obscenity in Dhoom 2

Yes folks. It's true. There were several obscene moments in Dhoom 2 and only one involved Miss Rai. The culprit, as you may have already guessed, is one Hrithik Roshan. The following dictums were violated:

Offense 1.1.1:
At no time, ever, for any reason, should any form of liquid, gel, cream, or other water-based product be rubbed on Mr. Roshan's freshly waxed torso. This--while violated for a mere 10 seconds at most--was nothing less than debauchery.

Offense 2.2.2:
At no time, ever, for any reason, should hands or other body parts belonging to cast members--including Mr. Roshan himself--at any time caress Mr. Roshan's freshly waxed torso. Blatant titillation. Blatant.

Offense 3.3.3:
At no time, ever, for any reason, should Mr. Roshan's "V" and subsequent sport boxers be on display for public consumption. Nor should his jeans be placed in such fashion that they appear as if they...just...might...slip...if he moved in an unpredictable manner. Raising licentious, though unfulfilled, desires in innocent moviegoing audiences is never justified.

Offense 4.4.4:
At no time, ever, for any reason, should Mr. Roshan be seen locking lips with anyone other than his wife Sussane. It is not appropriate for women the world over to think that they too, given the right circumstances might be able to extract "some lovin'" from Mr. Roshan.

Because of the aforementioned offenses, not only was my dignity challenged but my ability to breathe was placed under undue duress. Having paid $11 to have my health and decorum disrupted, I will use the remainder of this time to recount other notable aspects of the evening:

  • Hrithik Roshan makes an ugly woman y'all.
  • Did anybody else know you could make those jetski things go under water?
  • One must have the body of a Greek god to masquerade as one.
  • Was it really necessary that Aish say, "I'm hot." Was it? They already made the poor child speak about her character in the third person. Must she also allude to herself so blatantly?
  • Aish moves like a girl, runs a like a girl and plays basketball like a girl.
  • Ali = Carlton = a hot mess.
  • Carnival in Brazil is Bollywood on steroids.
  • When Hrithik was wearing that white outfit and the ponytail weave, I kept hearing Riiiico Suaaave. [If you don't know why, you need to find out.]
  • I shouldn't even ask but, "Why is Snow White--the Disney version at that--in the dinosaur exhibit?"
The only real acting in this entire film happened just pre-kiss. Excluding the inexplicable end-of-scene turnaround, that was the most real moment. Frightening--why does Hrithik go psycho in every film?--but real. The present lawsuit simply proves the point that what is not seen is more powerful that what is seen. 'Cause all the grown folks in the room know what would happen after a meltdown like that and there's nothing PG-13 about it.

I now leave you with several conclusions:
  • Hrithik dances like a Chippendale, which explains my desire, yet complete inability, to look away.
  • Bips is one hott mama! This is the first film I've seen her in. Normally I see her in photos with John and for some reason *cough* I never noticed her before.
  • Uday is not annoying when he's being funny. Without him this movie would slosh around like a slurpee with no ice. The Baywatch thing - priceless!
  • Aishwarya and Hrithik are both such perfect looking, fabulous dancers that there's no way either of them are from this planet. I think however, they're both from the same planet, on which they are known as brother and sister. (Hrithik's extra digit is simply evidence that even in the best of laboratories, things do occasionally go awry.)
I rest my case.

9 comments:

Aparna said...

I do so like a review...or wasn't it a review...which lists jsut what is important...abt heat and hrithik...and some more!!
Whoa!

Indian Parrot said...

Did anybody else know you could make those jetski things go under water?
I had the same question. That was lame.

Aish moves like a girl, runs a like a girl and plays basketball like a girl.
Oh no, you didn't.

Bips was hottttttt.

Susania said...

I have been waiting with great anticipation to see Hrithik and Ash dance together, thinking that, "at last, partners worthy of each other!"

Not really. ASH COULDN'T KEEP UP. There was one point where they were dancing the same routine side by side and the camera angle contrived to hide it, but she was a fraction out of sync with him. It was a very fast number, but still... I had higher expectations of her.

And her acting? sad. The dialogue they gave her was so appallingly unreal and lame, that it would have taken a Meryl Streep to make it work. Except for the meltodwn scene, which shows why Bhansali can usually get a good performance out of her - there's some talent there, it's just that it's 95% inacessible.

And why oh why did they find it necessary to hammer us over the head with how SEXY everyone was? From songs to minimalist costumes to props, it was like having a flurry of bricks flung at the audience with the work SEXY written on them. No subtlety at all.

Maja said...

Genius post :D
lol, as soon as I read "Ali = Carlton", I thought "of course!" - I knew he reminded me of someone. Especially with the goofy dancing.

Ever since watching Umrao Jaan, I'm convinced Aishwarya's not human (my theory was that she's a fembot, but being from a different planet is definitely an option as well).

Anonymous said...

That picture of Hthrik is so hot it's practically obscene in & of itself. =D

- Rachel in NB

Recovering Baptist said...

I'm gonna say it. I am. I am going. To. Say. It. Y'all know I love him. YOU KNOW. More than Hrithik. I would absolutely be his Biwi No. 1 (and they probably wouldn't have to marry me to a tree first). LOVE him.

But.

Abishek can't dance.

He needs to never dance in a movie if Hrithik is also dancing. Maybe that's why it stood out so much this time.

naina said...

"Normally I see her in photos with John and for some reason *cough* I never noticed her before."

Since you mention John, rediff just posted some nice photos of John sans shirt. enjoy! ;)

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Anonymous said...

I know this is a really old post and you may not even be blogging anymore, but I have to share how hilarious this post was and how uproariously I laughed. I too am a huge fan of Hrithik Roshan, and I cannot get enough of him in any way shape or form. I just watched Bang Bang! (4 times), and am now waiting with bated breath for the video to come out. If you haven't seen it, please do yourself a favor. Rajveer Nanda has taken Mr A's place as my second favorite with Hrithik avatar! The portion of the film that was shot after HR's Treatment for multiple concussion syndrome, his divorce and back problems, Show him joyfully dancing, acting like he loves his job, and exhibiting his victory over his circumstances in every shot. Additionally he looks younger than he did in Dhoom 2! How's he doing that? He must have a portrait in his attic somewhere getting older while he just looks the same or better as the years go on. Anyway, encouragement to you. Thanks for the laughs!